At a large dinner in Washington, D.C. this week, I was seated between a Lebanese woman who writes for a Beirut paper in French about the US and a Sri Lankan/Malay cinematographer woman who grew up in Kuala Lumpur. As we talked about salons their eyes lit up. In Kuala Lumpur in her childhood, there were salons on rugs outside every weekend with food and drink spread out. Getting friends together to talk, argue and break bread together was the pinnacle of every week for the KL family. For my Lebanese seatmate, the salon was the quintessential French model for intellectuals to meet. Find a topic like politics and the interaction was lively and stimulating.

The three of us are getting together in May to discuss women leaders around the world. This salon will be one of many opportunities to talk with groups and do individual interviews for my next book.

         Good Networking Is About Enjoying the Conversation

In some cultures, networking is a way of life. In Asia, for example, business cards come out as soon as you meet someone. You establish who and what you both are and if you have any connections. That your network of relationships makes your reputation is openly acknowledged. In Western cultures, people are more cautious, wary of pushing ourselves on others, or worried that our “networking” will come across as obvious. This can make us appear hesitant and tense unless we are with people we know.

Napier Collyns, co-founder of networking organization Global Business Network, is an expert on forging connections. He maintains that the best mindset for networking is, “to be interested in people and their ideas” and then to, “self-effacedly connect them with others whom you know." For Collyns, networking becomes mechanical if it’s just about self-interest. The trick is to focus on other people’s needs, putting your own objectives to the back of your mind. There will be chances to raise these once a relationship is formed. Concentrate on getting to know the other person, enjoying their company, and finding out what you can offer them.

Collyns distinguishes between passive and active networking. Passive networking happens every time that you talk with someone. Active networking is about talking with a specific purpose in mind. The more time that you invest in the former, getting to know people during everyday events, the more robust your network gets, and the easier it is to start active networking. All the conversation positions you to connect people who can mutually benefit each other. And you too of course!

Really great networkers network all the time. It’s just part of who they are to love talking to people and finding out their stories. That’s the key to passive networking. Unearthing someone’s background and interests allows you to identify commonalities, and to start building a history of shared conversations. If you’re not gregarious by nature, you’ll still find that if you take a deep breath, dive in and ask friendly questions nine times out of ten you’ll get a good conversation going. Most people enjoy talking about themselves, and will welcome the opportunity to do so.

Once you know something beyond general niceties, it’s much easier to remember someone. Good active networkers keep a mental catalogue of people they’ve met, remember ing who is interested in what, who would like to connect with whom, or who just likes having an interesting conversation. A business card reference system can help. As soon as you return from an event, go through any cards acquired, seeing what you remember about each person. Write handy information on the backs of the cards while the encounter is still fresh. That way, next time you meet someone looking, say, for a consultant to help with a venture in the Middle East, you may well know who to send her to! Don’t forget to have cards of your own handy too.

It’s easy to spot networkers who are motivated by pure self-interest. They will often strike you as phony, even manipulative. They’re the folks who look past you at the rest of the room as they shake your hand. Make sure that others don’t gain that impression of you by being fully present in every conversation, and by showing others the interest that they deserve.                                                                                            (back to top)